Angry...

Sorry ahead of time for this post...

I am angry. Angry for what isn't going to be, angry for the fact that all of this is taking this much of a toll on me, and mostly angry at myself for being angry. Yes, believe me I remind myself on a daily basis that I have four children, all healthy, all happy, they are great kids. I will never stop feeling blessed. But, that doesn't change the fact that I am angry. It seems like everywhere I turn there is someone else who is pregnant or having a baby, etc. My stupid calendar still has the "weeks" I should be listed every friday. I am a strong person, I should be able to just "get over it." I would NEVER have thought this could affect me like it has.

I was scared when I found out that we were pregnant again, how would I do this, morning sickness, a newborn...but I knew I would get through it and welcome this baby. I started getting excited and thinking how much I longed for November to get here and the thought of snuggling a new baby through the winter. It sucks! I know I can get pregnant again, no problem, but I am terrified of losing another. It is an incredibly empty feeling. One minute your pregnant the next minute your not, but no baby in your arms. I know it was early, but I still ache for what isn't going to be.

This is no way a pity-me post! And I am not unexcited for all my prego friends! I just needed to vent a little and I am actually feeling better. I think I have too much idle time after the kids are in bed, stinkin brain just starts wandering.

After all that has happened, Dave and I are considering some big changes this year. We both agree that we/I took on too much and we are trying to simplify things around here. Which takes a huge weight off of my shoulders. Some days I feel like I am walking a thin line between sanity and a breakdown.

I am in no way trying to pull away, but I think I need some space from everything. So if I disappear for a little while again, don't be concerned:) I will try and post every now and then. Do you ever get tired of judgemental people?? I know a few in my life who have just pushed too many buttons lately and I think first and foremost I am going to seriously spend some much needed time away from them. Another big relief...

Just going to apologize again to my few readers who made it this far. It sure did feel good to vent for awhile!